HarryCam
by Kattan Fan
Summary: Harry gets a Clicker Shooter Snapper Video Recorder 5000 (video camera) for x-mas... So naturally him and Ron decide to shoot a documentary on life at Hogwarts. What kinds of crazy trouble will they get themselves into? FIND OUT!
1. I'm Ready For My Closeup Mr Camera Man!

A/N: In this story, my dear friend 'Arry is a bit stranger than usual. (a bit?) The others may act a bit out of character at some points too. Just so you're aware of that! And since you've been forewarned of the uncharacteristic behavior of 'Arry and his pallies, then I shouldn't expect anyone to flame about the characters not acting like themselves. because as you just read up there. THEY MAY OR MAY NOT ACT LIKE THEMSELVES THROUGHOUT THE STORY!! Nuff sed.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Nothing in this story that is recognizable to your clever little selves belongs to me. NOTHING I TELL YA!! NOTHING!! Except the Clicker Shooter Snapper Video recorder 5000!!! But you probably won't recognize it so we're all good!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
AND NOW. Lights. camera. ACTION!!  
  
It was a beautiful Christmas morning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Snow was on the ground and stockings were hung by the chimney with care. Everyone was awake, except for Neville.  
  
"Harry!! Check out all the presents at the end of you're bed!! You got lots!!" exclaimed Ron in his sexy English accent.  
  
"I'm gonna open them all right now!!" Harry exclaimed right back at him.  
  
"You do that!" Ron said, and began opening his pile of gifts.  
  
"I will, thanks!" Harry replied. Then he dove into his pile of gifts. Wrapping paper flew everywhere!! Bows, tissue, and paper went flying through the air! Boxes of candy from Ron was thrown in a pile along with more candy from his other friends, a sweater and homemade food from Ron's mom, hand knit socks from Dobby, and a book about shrubs from Hermione. Then he came to the last present in his pile. There was no tag or card, how curious. So naturally, he ripped it open.  
  
"WOW!! Ron look it's a." Harry exclaimed. "What is it?"  
  
"WOW!! It's a Clicker Shooter Snapper Video Recorder 5000!" Ron replied excitedly.  
  
"WOW!! I don't know what that is!! But it sure sounds like a lot of fun!!"  
  
"It's a video camera thingy!!" Ron explained. "For recording stuff!!"  
  
"HEY!! I have an idea!!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"What would that be?" Ron asked curiously.  
  
"I'll make a documentary about life at Hogwarts!!" Harry explained.  
  
"Yeah!!" Ron exclaimed right back at him. "I'm ready for my close up, Mr. Camera Man!!"  
  
Harry turns on the camera and shoots Ron who looks utterly adorable. Harry turns off the camera.  
  
"Er." he said. "Ron?  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What do you think we should call our movie?"  
  
"Umm. That's a good question," Ron said. "How about. RON: That really cool kid and also some other people who don't matter as much."  
  
"Well, that is a good title," Harry agreed, "but I think we need something shorter. That sums all that up into one short little thing."  
  
"Yeah, okay." Ron said understandingly. "Well since it's you and it's a camera, why don't we call it."  
  
"HARRYCAM!!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Well that could work but I was thinking more along the lines of Harry Potter with a camera and all of the stuff he films but. I guess that would work," Ron replied.  
  
"HarryCam it is then!"  
  
"Okay then!"  
  
"Well, that was fun!" Harry laughed. "What can we shoot now?"  
  
"Well," Ron replied stroking his chin thoughtfully, "This is a documentary about life at Hogwarts. So I think we should go shoot Hermione EATING!! I mean, what describes life at Hogwarts better than that? Am I right or am I right?"  
  
"By golly ole chap, I think you're right!" Harry agreed. "Let's go find Hermione and tell her that we are casting her in our wonderful film. HARRYCAM!!"  
  
"But first," Ron added, "I think we need to shoot a little more of me!"  
  
Harry nodded. "Agreed."  
  
A/N: Haha, this is so psycho!! Just remember what I said up there. The characters are going to act goofy. So just know that. 


	2. By George I Think She's Got It Harry!

DISCLAIMER: Even though Harry and Ron act a bit out of character, they still do not belong to me.  
  
Ron and Harry plopped down on both sides of Hermione at the Gryffindor table in the great hall. Harry had his Clicker Shooter Snapper Video Recorder 5000 armed and ready.  
  
"Blimey Hermione!" Ron exclaimed. "Your hair is looking especially lovely today!"  
  
Hermione gave him a weird look. She was used to him saying odd things every once in a while, but when he got as far as complementing her hair, she knew something had to be up.  
  
"Ron, I don't know what it is that you want but my best bet is that the answer is no."  
  
"Aw, c'mon Hermione!" Ron sighed. "You don't even know what your saying no to yet!"  
  
"And I don't think I want to know," she replied.  
  
"Oh, I think you do," Harry hinted.  
  
"Yeah," added Ron. "I think you do too."  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes and turned to her plate full of eggs and toast.  
  
"C'mon Hermione!" Harry cried. "It's not something bad this time!!"  
  
She snapped around and faced Harry. "Not something bad, Harry?" she snapped. "Like the box full of purple fire crabs that were buried by the lake?"  
  
"Hey!" defended Harry. "There was supposed to be the lost treasure of Yursucha Gulabellosar in that box!"  
  
"Yeah!" Ron piped in. "It could have happened to anyone!"  
  
"Or how about the time when you insisted that we go and invite the merpeople to Christmas dinner?" she retorted. "How was that not bad?"  
  
"Okay," Harry agreed. "Maybe that was bad."  
  
"Sure take her side!" Ron cried.  
  
"But okay Hermione," Harry continued. "Don't do what we want."  
  
"Okay!" Hermione said. "Fine with me."  
  
"Yeah," Ron added. "If you really don't want to be in our movie-"  
  
"MOVIE!?" Hermione shrieked. "You never said anything about a movie!!"  
  
"Yeah!!" Harry exclaimed. "Because I got a Clicker Shooter Snapper Video Recorder 5000 for Christmas!!"  
  
"Yeah," Ron added. "And we're going to make a movie with it!!"  
  
"Yeah," Harry continued. "It's going to be a documentary on life at Hogwarts!"  
  
"Yeah," Ron put in. "And it's going to be called 'RON: The boy with the sexy English accent and the hot bod and also some other people not important enough to be named."  
  
"Hmm." Hermione answered. "That's a good name. But don't you think it's too long?"  
  
Harry nodded. "Yeah, that's why we're calling it HarryCam instead."  
  
"Oh!" Hermione exclaimed. "Because your Harry and you have a camera!!"  
  
"Yup!!"  
  
"I'd love to be in your guys film!!" Hermione exclaimed. "What do you want me to do??"  
  
"Well," Ron explained. "We were thinking that you should eat-"  
  
"Because what describes life at Hogwarts better than me eating?" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"By George I think she's got it Harry!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
And so Hermione turned to her pile of breakfast and began eating. Then Harry shot her as she ate in a very Hogwarts way while Ron jumped around in the background like the hunk he is.  
  
"Blimey!" Hermione exclaimed when she finished with her meal. "That was fun!!"  
  
"Yes," Ron sighed. "Yes it was."  
  
A/N: So. What do you think?? Is it totally insane (yes) and retarded (yes)?? I would love to hear from readers what they think Harry and Ron should film next!! Well, please review!! STAY TUNED!! 


	3. Not That I Would Know What A Human Taste...

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry or El Sexy or Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans or Hogsmead or. anything else that you've heard of somewhere other than in this story!!  
  
Ron and Harry were getting ready for bed. Harry carefully placed his Clicker Shooter Snapper Video Recorder 5000 in its case.  
  
"Oh!!" Harry exclaimed. "Hogsmead tomorrow!!"  
  
"Woo whoo!!" Ron jumped for joy.  
  
"And you know what that means." Harry hinted.  
  
"Oh yeah!" Ron said excitedly. "DUNGBOMBS!!"  
  
"No-"  
  
Ron gasped. "I completely forgot! THE NEW EVERY FLAVOR BEAN COMES OUT TOMORROW!!"  
  
"No Ron-"  
  
"Ooh," Ron continued. "I wonder what flavor it will be."  
  
"Ron what I meant-"  
  
"I mean, I honestly thought that they had all the flavors."  
  
"I wasn't talking about the Every Flavor Beans-"  
  
"After all, they are called every flavor beans."  
  
"RON!!"  
  
"Hmm. There aren't human flavored ones. At least I don't think I've ever had one that tasted like a human."  
  
"RON!!"  
  
"Not that I would know what a human tastes like."  
  
"Ron I was talking about the video recorder-"  
  
"HARRY! You're bloody brilliant!" Ron exclaimed. "It's a video recorder flavored bean!!"  
  
"SHUTUP WITH THE EVERY FLAVOR BEANS!! I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE CLICKER SHOOTER SNAPPER VIDEO RECOREDER 5000!! TOMORROW IS HOGSMEAD AND WE CAN SHOOT MORE OF OUR DOCUMENTARY OF LIFE AT HOGWARTS OKAY!!!!!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"Oh," Ron replied. "Well speaking of our documentary 'Life being that hunkalicious hot man who's name just happens to be Ron Weasley, P.S. he goes to this one school'-"  
  
"HarryCam," Harry corrected.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, anyways," Ron continued. "I think we need a few pajama shots of El Sexay."  
  
Harry thought for a second and scratched his chin thoughtfully. Then he nodded. "I think you're right."  
  
So then he shot Ron looking very sexy in his pajamas.  
  
"Well, that was fun," Ron said.  
  
"It sure was," replied Harry.  
  
"Let's go to bed," Ron yawned.  
  
"Okay."  
  
So then they went to sleep.  
  
~*~  
  
The sun was bright as Harry and Ron bundled up to go out into the crisp air outside. Ron pulled a bright pink scarf around his neck and Harry was getting his camera ready.  
  
"Ron," he said. "What is that!?"  
  
"Uh, it's a scarf. My mum made it for me!" Ron replied.  
  
"But it's." Harry paused. "Pink."  
  
"I realized that ok!" Ron exclaimed. "But I'm so sexy I think I can pull it off."  
  
Harry thought for a moment. "Yeah, I think your right."  
  
~*~  
  
Harry with his camera, Hermione with her books, and Ron with his pink scarf all walked happily down the street in Hogsmead. All three of them were keeping a sharp eye for awesome things to shoot.  
  
"How about me buying fizzing whizbees?" Ron suggested.  
  
"No," answered Harry.  
  
"How about me eating fizzing whizbees?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How about me dancing in the street?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How about me, the brave stud that I am, walking up to the shrieking shack?"  
  
"No."  
  
"How about-"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why won't you film me?" Ron whined.  
  
"Because this is a documentary on life at Hogwarts, NOT you, Ron." Hermione answered. Then under her breath she said, "Though I have to admit you are very sexy."  
  
"What's that?" Ron smiled.  
  
"Nothing," Hermione replied quickly.  
  
"You said that I'm sexy!!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"No, I didn't. Oh, look over there. It's Snape. Let's shoot him," she said, quickly changing the subject.  
  
"Yeah!" Harry exclaimed. "Let's film Snape! He's gotta be doing something weird."  
  
"But first can we shoot me dancing in the street?" Ron asked adorably.  
  
Harry thought for a moment and then smiled and nodded. "Okay."  
  
So they shot Ron dancing in the street looking even sexier than usual. And then they began to follow Snape into a store. 


	4. Look what you’ve done! You created sexua...

A/N: I know that in the HP books it says that muggle stuff like cell phones and curling irons wouldn't work on Hogwarts grounds but for the sake of my story, PLEASE IGNORE THAT LITTLE DETAIL!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything here that you've heard of before. YAY!! Glad to get THAT off my chest.  
  
The gang followed Snape into a store called 'Laboosh: Wondrous Wigs and Other Hair Supplies'. Snape walked passed the shelves of shampoo, passed the racks of conditioner, passed the tables of hair-dye and hair spray, and passed the hangers full of scrunchies and ponytail holders. He went strait to the back wall, where all of the wigs were.  
  
Harry and Hermione quickly ducked together behind a shelf of curling irons. Harry turned on the camera and began to film through a gap in the hair products. Ron squeezed his way between the two of them.  
  
"Why is Snape in a wig store?" Ron wondered aloud. "Honestly, I think he has enough hair."  
  
"Ron." Hermione whispered. "I don't think he's here to get more hair."  
  
"Well then why's he in a wig store looking at wigs, genius?" Ron replied.  
  
"I think he's doing something a little more creepy than just buying a wig. I mean," Hermione pointed out, "he's looking at women's wigs."  
  
"Hmm." Ron answered. "I bet I'd look pretty good in a woman's wig."  
  
"Hmm." Hermione said to herself. "I bet you would."  
  
"What's that?" Ron said.  
  
"Nothing," Hermione replied quickly.  
  
"I know you said something!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"I have it on TAPE!" Harry exclaimed. "All I have to do is rewind it."  
  
"NO!!" Hermione gasped. "Err, I mean, I'll tell you! Yeah. I said 'the vet is good'. Because I was talking about Crookshanks and the vet that I take her to. Is it hot in here? I'm hot. I think it's hot in here. I-I think I'm going to go wait outside. I'm hot."  
  
"Yeah you are," Ron said absent mindedly.  
  
"WHAT!?" gasped Harry.  
  
Hermione gave him a sharp look.  
  
"Uh. Did I say something?" Ron replied.  
  
"Yes, you did!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"No I didn't," Ron quickly said. "You're right, Hermy, it IS hot in here. Yeah. I think I'll join you outside. Yeah."  
  
Ron and Hermione quickly rushed outside and left Harry all alone behind the shelf of curling irons.  
  
"I wonder what that was about." Harry said to himself.  
  
Then he continued filming. Quietly he peered through the hanging curling irons and saw Snape grabbing random wigs off the wall and then throwing them back again. He grabbed a long strait black one. He tossed it on the floor. He picked up a brown wavy one. He tossed this one on the floor too. He reached for a red curly one. He threw this one onto the pile as well.  
  
Snape continued his pursuit and wigs of all colors, shapes, lengths, and sizes joined the other three on the floor.  
  
Then, suddenly Snape's expression changed as he reached for a curly golden blonde wig HAAA-LELUIAH!! HALLELUIAH!! HALLELUIAH!! He held the wig in his hands.  
  
"I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT WIG!!" Snape declared.  
  
Then he turned abruptly and walked to the cash register to purchase his fine wig.  
  
Harry hurried out before Snape saw him. When he got out on the street he heard two voices arguing.  
  
"Ooh," he said to himself. "Exactly what my film needs. DRAMA!!"  
  
He clicked on the camera and leaned around the corner and down the alley that the voices were coming from. In the camera view finder, Hermione and Ron came into view.  
  
"Look what you've done! You created sexual tension!" Ron whiper- yelled.  
  
"Me?!" Hermione said back. "I've created sexual tension?! What about 'yeah you're hot'? THAT wasn't me!"  
  
"It was your fault in the first place, smart one!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"Whatever, we need to get back in there before Harry starts to suspect something," Hermione said in her logical way.  
  
"Only if you convince Harry to film some more of me dancing in the street." Ron replied.  
  
Hermione got a real thoughtful look on her face. "Deal.  
  
They came out around the corner and nearly bumped into Harry.  
  
"Oh uh, hi Harry!" Hermione said.  
  
"Dancing in the street," Ron said under his breath.  
  
"Right," Hermione whispered to him and then turned to Harry. "Say, I have an idea. Let's film more of Ron dancing in the street."  
  
Harry scratched his chin real thoughtfully. "Good plan."  
  
And so they shot more footage of Ron dancing in the street real sexy- like. And then they went back to Hogwarts. 


	5. Oh I'll Beddybye YOU Harry!

DISCLAIMER: If I owned anything here I would set it free... except maybe Ron... mwahahahaha!! No really, I don't own anything here. I guess not all dreams come true...

  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione all sat together in the big comfy chairs in the Gryffindor common room. Hermione was reading about wigs and their uses while Ron posed for Harry's camera in front of the fireplace.  
  
"Boy Harry," Hermione sighed. "These chairs sure are big and comfy!"  
  
"Blimey I know it!" replied Harry.  
  
"Harry are you filming me?" Ron exclaimed as he struck pose after pose. "Huh Harry? Are you? ARE YOU?"  
  
"Yes Ron!"  
  
"Okay good."  
  
Hermione got up out of her chair. "Well I think I'm off to bed!"  
  
"Good night Hermione!" Harry said.  
  
"Good night Harry."  
  
"Good night Ron!" Hermione called to Ron.  
  
Ron turned to Hermione and was just about to say good night when –GASP!- he tripped over Harry's broom which was conveniently lying in the middle of the floor and he tumbled over, knocking into Hermione who also joined in the tumbling and then, like one of those cheesy movie scenes, Ron lands on top of Hermione and VERY accidentally (yeah right!) they lock lips and HARRY GETS IT ALL ON TAPE!!  
  
Ron and Hermione kiss for a few more seconds (cough! Minutes) and Harry sits there patiently filming. "Okay lets wrap it up guys. This sure is a steamy scene maybe we can continue it tomorrow. But I think it's time for beddy-bye," Harry said.  
  
"YOU GOT THIS ON TAPE?!" Ron exclaimed. "OH I'LL BEDDY-BYE YOU HARRY!!!"  
  
And he lunged at Harry and began choking him in the classic Homer Simpson fashion.  
  
"BUT RON!" Harry gasped between chokes. "I thought you LOVED being on film!"  
  
"I DO BUT NOT WHEN I'M MAKING OUT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND!!"  
  
"Your WHAT?"  
  
Hermione grabbed a book at began beating Ron on the head with it. "RON! YOU! STUPID! FAT! HEAD! YOU! WEREN'T! SUPPOSTED! TO! SAY! ANYTHING! ABOUT! US!!"  
  
Right about at that moment McGonagal walked in. Harry's face was blue, Ron's nose was bleeding, and Hermione's hair was frizzing like a psychopath.  
  
"What in the world is going on in here?!" McGonagal cried.  
  
"We were uh..." Harry gasped getting normal colors back in his face.  
  
"...just working on..." Ron added, letting go of Harry's neck.  
  
"... uhh... rehearsing a scene for..." Hermione explained, hiding the book behind her back.  
  
"... for our movie!" finished Harry.  
  
"Your movie?" McGonagal asked.  
  
"Yes, it's called 'RON!! And if we were in Meh-Hico it would be called Ronaldo but in both languages it means SUPER MODEL EXTRORDANAIRE!'... yes that's what it is called," Ron explained.  
  
"Actually it's called HarryCam," Harry said.  
  
"Riight," Ron laughed. "And we were rehearsing for a movie." He gave an obvious wink.  
  
Hermione quickly hit Ron on the head with the book, knocking him out.  
  
"Alright then," McGonagal said. "You better get going to bed."  
  
So they all bustled to their beds, leaving Ron on the floor.  


  
  
"Haaaarrrr-eeeeeee," a creepy voice whispered in Harry's ear. "Haaaaaaaarrrrrr-eeeeee!"  
  
Suddenly Harry's scar started burning! It must be.................. VOLDEMORT!! Harry woke with a flash and found himself face to face with........................  
  
RON WEASLEY!  
  
"Ron what are you doing?" Harry gasped.  
  
"Oh, I was just trying to wake you up."  
  
"Voldemort is near Ron!"  
  
"GASP! How do you know that?"  
  
"My scar is burning!"  
  
Ron blushed. "Oh... oh THAT! Well actually Harry..."  
  
"I've got to tell Dumbledore at once!!" Harry exclaimed. He got out of bed and dashed out into the halls.  
  
Ron followed Harry all the way to Dumbledore's office.  
  
"Human flavored Every Flavor Beans!" Harry said, the new password to Dumbledore's office.  
  
"Harry I've got something to tell you," Ron said.  
  
"What is it?" Harry asked.  
  
Just then the door to the stairs opened so they both started up and Ron began singing a song in his sexy English voice.  
  
"Well since my baby left me!" Ron wailed.  
  
"Wait," Harry said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I think we should film this."  
  
After about three seconds of pondering Ron nodded. "Agreed."  
  
"Well since my baby left me!" Ron wailed even more passionately than before.  
  
They climbed stair after stair.  
  
"I've found a new place to dwell. DUN NUH!!" He did the Elvis hip, pulling it off smashingly.  
  
A few more stairs.  
  
"It's down at the end of lonely street at, HEARTBREAK HOTEL!"  
  
They reached the top and Harry knocked crazily on the door, while filming Ron very well. Skills? I think yes.  
  
"I've been so lonely baby, I've been so lonely!"  
  
Dumbledore opened the door. "Harry!" he exclaimed. "What a pleasant surprise."  
  
"I've been so lonely I COULD DIE!!"  
  
"Er- is Ron feeling well?" Dumbledore said to Harry under his breath.  
  
"Yes, he is quite fine. Professor, my scar is burning again."  
  
"Is it now?" Dumbledore said. "Well I've got some new scar testing equipment. Would you like to try it out?"  
  
"Ok."  
  
So after hours of testing, some painful I might add, Dumbledore finds out that................................................................................................................................................................... 

....................................nothing is going on with Harry's scar.  
  
"Well Harry maybe you really have lost it this time," Dumbledore said quite frankly.  
  
"Hmm... maybe." Harry agreed. "Oh Ron? What was that you were going to tell me earlier?"  
  
"What?" Ron replied. "Oh yeah. THAT. I forgot. When I was waking you up with my creepy voice I set my mug of hot chocolate on your forehead."  
  
"Hot chocolate!?"  
  
Ron pulled out a cup of steaming hot chocolate. "Yup! With marshmallows."  
  
"Oh okay. That explains that I guess," Harry said.  
  
"Yup," Dumbledore said. "But you still might be crazy."  
  
"Well Harry, since I am all beat up and stuff from our fight last night –I MEAN REHEARSAL!- quick save eh Harry?-," Ron suggested, "We might as well shoot some scenes of me looking tough and brooding... you know. Like the guy on the OC."  
  
"Yeah, the tough brooding one," Harry said. "Because I don't think even you could pull off the sarcastic nerd as well as that Adam Brody."  
  
"Nope," Ron agreed.  
  
"Well, smile for the camera!"  
  
"Hey can I be in it?" Dumbledore asked. "It could be great for your documentary on life at Hogwarts."  
  
"How did you know that's what it was about?" Harry asked.  
  
"Just a lucky guess."  
  
"Okay!"  
  
So then Harry filmed Ron and Dumbledore both looking tough and brooding. It was great. 


	6. Simple Plan is the new pink!

DISCLAIMER: Harry? Not mine. Hermione? Not mine. Ron? Not mine. Snape? Not mine. Malfoy? Not mine. Hogsmead? Not mine. Simple Plan? Not mine.Clicker Shooter Snapper Video Recorder 5000? Mine.  
  
"POTTER!! Detention!! 6 pm!! Tonight!! Be there!!" Snape shouted at Harry.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry Professor!" Harry exclaimed. "It's just that we thought it might be important to shoot some shots of Ron looking sexy while concocting a potion!! I mean after all we ARE making a documentary on life at Hogwarts."  
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Ron. "It's a called "The Saga of Sex-ay-ness: the Ron Weasley Story."  
  
"HarryCam," corrected Harry.  
  
"I suggest you call it 'Life in Detention'! BECAUSE YOU HAVE DETENTION!! Both of you!" Snape yelled.  
  
"Now, really Professor," Hermione said. "This is actually an important film. You see there are many values and what-nots that are very beneficial to the whole school."  
  
"I DON'T CARE!!" Snape screamed. "I will see all three of you after school for detention!! Now class is OVER!!"  
  
Later that night, at 6 if you really want to know, Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to the potions classroom for detention.  
  
"May-bay! I'm just not good enough for yoooou!" Ron sang. "And may-bay! I just don't wanna be like yoooou!!"  
  
"What is that you're singing?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Simple Plan," replied Ron very matter-of-factly.  
  
"Simple Plan?" Harry said. "Never heard of them."  
  
"You haven't?" Ron said. "Simple Plan is the new pink."  
  
"I see."  
  
For two hours Snape made the trio clean cauldrons, and beakers, and test- tubes –OH MY! Then he went to a teacher meeting, leaving them down there all by themselves.  
  
"I HAVE AN IDEA!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Ron said.  
  
"Probably not—"  
  
"Well this is what I'm thinking," Ron began. "I'm thinking that we should change the name of the film to something different, more sophisticated."  
  
"I like the name," Harry said.  
  
"You're right," Ron said, "'RonWeasley=Hottness Squared' is a great title, but I was thinking more along the lines of 'What's in a name? For what we call a Ron, by any other name, would be just as hot'. What do you think?"  
  
"Whatever," Hermione said. "I think we should look for that wig that Snape bought."  
  
"Good plan!" exclaimed Harry.  
  
"Simple Plan," corrected Ron. Then he broke into song again. "Maybe I just don't wanna know! How low you're ready to go! I'm not gonna change you can't maaaaake me!! whoa!!"  
  
So they sneakily snuck into Snape's office. What sneaky snuckers, those snucking sneakers were. Sneaking so snuckily into Snape's office. They really snuck in a sneakishly manner. Some sneaky sneaking? I think so.  
  
No matter where they looked they just couldn't find the wig! But then Harry found something on Snape's desk.  
  
"What's this?!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"GASP!" gasped Ron. "I think it's.... A DESK!!"  
  
"A desk!?" exclaimed Harry. "Amazing!"  
  
"Not the desk, the piece of paper on top of the desk," said Hermione.  
  
"The bills?" Ron said. "That's not weird. In fact, almost everybody gets bills."  
  
"I think that was the smartest thing he ever said," Harry said to Hermione.  
  
Hermione nodded. "Not the bills, that flyer!!" she pointed at a flyer on the desk.  
  
On the desk there was a bright pink flyer and it advertised a lot of weird stuff... yes.  
  
"I'll read it outloud!!" exclaimed Hermione. "Ahem! Toadpimple Bar: Live Women Impersonators EVERY TUESDAY!"  
  
"GASP!" Ron said. "There's a place called Toadpimples? THEY ARE MAKING A MOCKARY OF HOGWARTS!!"  
  
"How's that?" Harry said.  
  
Ron stared at him. "Hog. Toad. Warts. Pimples. DO YOU NOT SEE THE CONNECTION!?"  
  
Hermione shrugged.  
  
"In a way, he's being kind of... smart!" Harry said.  
  
"Hey look, on the paper there's some stuff written on it!" Ron said. "It's says: 'next Tuesday, 10 o'clock. Remember you put the wig in the bottom drawer of your desk.' I THINK SNAPE IS GONNA GO THERE!! AND WEAR HIS WIG!!"  
  
"And wear his wig? That means...." Harry said.  
  
"HE'S GONNA DRESS IN DRAG!!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
"We HAVE to go to this," Harry said. "Imagine getting THAT on camera!!"  
  
"Speaking of on camera..." Ron said. "I haven't been on it since Snape gave us detention. What do you say? A few detention shots?"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
So they filmed Ron looking hot in the detention room. It was a good time. But then Ron accidentally ran into the wall and he realized that he had a bruise.  
  
"I GOT THIS BRUISE FROM YOU HERMIONE!!" Ron shrieked. "I forgot, you beat me up!! Now I'm mad at you!!"  
  
Harry thought about that for a moment. "I'm mad at you then Ron!! Because you choked me!!"  
  
"Fair enough!"  
  
"And I'm mad at you Harry because you filmed me!" Hermione exclaimed.  
  
"OK!"  
  
"OK!"  
  
"FINE!"  
  
And so then detention was over and they all walked to the common room together but they didn't talk to each other on account of the feuding. 


	7. These Pores Don't Clear Themselves You K...

DISCLAIMER: I do no own any of J. K. Rowling's creations. I repeat: THEY DO NOT BELONG TO ME!!

It was Monday. And everyone knows what comes after Monday. And so, with this knowledge of what was coming, Hermione decided to use her brains and apologize to Ron for beating him over the head with a book. After all, it had been four days since that night when the trio made that wiggy discovery in the dungeons. And as you all know, our magical little friends were in the middle of a feud when we last left them, and this time, Ron did not forget about that bruise.

So anyways, Hermione was going to fix this little predicament so they could all sort out their priorities. First and forth most, of course, was Tuesday night at Toadpimples.

"Hello Ron," Hermione said, sitting down next to him at the Gryffindor. "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" Ron asked, eating a giant spoonful of cheerios.

"For beating you over the head with that book."

"WHAT!?" Ron gasped (apparently he DID forget), spitting cheerios all over Dean ("Nice.") "You beat me over the head with a book!? I THOUGHT YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE, COULD APPRICIATE A PRETTY FACE!! BUT NO!! OBVIOUSLY I WAS WRONG!!"

"I'm sorry. I've learned my lesson. And to show you that I'm sorry," Hermione said, "I bought you this!!" She handed Ron a gift bag.

"WOW!!" exclaimed Ron. "Every Flavor Beans!! I never did figure out what the new flavor was though..."

"Anyways, do you forgive me?"

"How could I not?"

"I think you should go apologize to Harry for strangling him," Hermione suggested.

"Oh Hermy," Ron smiled. "You are just the best friend a guy could ask for!"

Then they hugged and it was just a great moment.

Just then, Fred walked by. Ron threw his spoon at him.

"Hey Fred!!" he shouted. "I lowered my cholesterol!!"

"Why'd you go and do that?" Fred asked.

"Just because I'm sexalicious doesn't mean I can't have a heart attack, you know!" Ron exclaimed. Apparently over the past four days he had become very health conscious.

Fred shrugged and walked away.

Then Hermione and Ron went out in search of Harry. They found him putting on a sock puppet show for his camera.

"Hey Harry," Hermione said.

Harry turned and pointed a socked hand at her menacingly. "I thought YOU weren't talking to me."

"Wow! Sock puppets!! NEATO!" Ron exclaimed.

"I've forgiven you," she replied matter-of-factly.

"NOT accepted."

"Harry," Hermione rolled her eyes. "C'mon, get over this. We gotta figure out how we're gonna get into that club tomorrow night."

"What are you gonna do for me?" Harry said stubbornly.

Hermione thought for a second. "Me and Ron will do a romantic segment for HarryCam."

"Wait what?" said Ron, who now had a sock on his hand and was being a ventriloquist.

"That's right."

Ron shrugged. "Okay."

"Okay, I accept," Harry said. "Anyways, this tape was getting kind of boring without you guys."

"Film me," said the sock puppet on Ron's hand. "Film me."

Harry looked at Ron who nodded very sexy and convincingly. Harry turned to Hermione.

"We definitely need this," she said.

"Agreed."

"YAY!!" shouted the sock puppet.

And so then Harry picked up his camera and filmed Ron and the sock puppet (which he named Larry). By the way, Larry and Ron looked hunkalicious. And since Ron had finally found someone who was equally photogenic, they decided to be friends till the end. It was a frolicking through daisy fields kind of friendship. Seriously. And I bet in the background the music was singing "sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much... and I have to close my eyes, and hide..." Meant to be.

"Okay," Hermione said later that night. "We are going to have to age ourselves so we can get into that club. Luckily, I got a 'Ten Years In Ten Minutes' kit for Christmas. So we have that figured out."

"And I have my invisibility cloak so we can sneak there, easy peasy," Harry said.

"Good," Hermione nodded.

"And I have some Metamucil so we can stay regular," Ron added.

Harry and Hermione just stared at him for a few seconds.

"What?" said Ron. "Beautiful people have to maintain their health too, you know."

THE NEXT EVENING

"Well boys! Are you ready to put this plan into action?" Hermione said, holding up a green tube with the words 'Ten Years in Ten Minutes" printed neatly on it. "This is the aging cream. You rub it evenly over your face in an upward and outward motion. Like a facial mask. Then you leave it on for ten minutes and PRESTO! You're ten years older."

"Ugh!" Harry growned. "This is SO girly. Why don't we just have a makeover party while we're at it."

"Don't tell me you've never used a facial mask, Harry," Ron said.

Harry gave Ron a disgusted look.

"I should have known," Ron said huffily. "You can see your pores from a mile away. Someone with your reputation should know to practice good skin care."

"Ew, Ron, you do all this facial stuff?!" Harry exclaimed.

"Hey, these pores don't clear themselves, you know."

So they rubbed the goo, which happened to be green (like in the new Green Day "American Idiot" video) all over their faces. They all looked like the dead people in the original "Dawn Of The Dead".

"Guess what else I've got!" Hermione said slyly.

"Fruit and oatmeal bars? OH I just LOVE fruit and oatmeal bars!" Ron exclaimed.

"Nope," Hermione said and then pulled a cucumber and a knife out of her pocket. "Cucumber slices!"

Ron was just giddy with glee. "FOR THE ULTIMATE FACIAL EXPERIENCE!"

"There is no way I am putting cucumbers on my eyes," Harry put his foot down. "I am putting my foot down."

"Since when did you become so macho," Ron said. Then he shoved Harry down and put the cucumbers over his eyes. "You are just going to have to deal with it."

And so Harry dealt with it but looked extremely uncomfortable dealing with it. Hermione and Ron, on the other hand, were obviously enjoying the pampering.

"We should do this more often," said Ron.

Ten minutes later

The trio all washed off the masks. Hermione was a pretty good looking twenty-four year old, except her hair was bushier than ever. Harry the twenty-four year old was about as hunkalicious as the fourteen year old Ron. Who'd have thought that Harry could grow up to be a babe! And Ron. The twenty-four year old Ron was.........

...............bald.


	8. My Stage Name Is Trixie Laroo!

DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Leave me alone.

A/N: LOOK!! Another chapter already? I'm on a roll!!

"BALD!?" Ron shrieked. "Bald!? I can't be bald!! This isn't happening!! This isn't happening!!"

"Ron, it's not that bad," Hermione said.

"Yeah, Ron. Chill, it's not that big of a deal," Harry said.

"NOT THAT BAD!?" Ron exclaimed. "That's easy for YOU to say!! Now that YOU'RE the studdly one! Is it hot in here? Whew. Oh boy. It's hot. I'm... is it hot in here? BALD! It's hot..."

Then he fainted.

"Ron!!" Hermione exclaimed, shaking him back into consciousness.

Ron's eyes fluttered open. "I'm sorry. I guess I lost my cool for a minute."

"Hey," Hermione said. "Before we go we can stop by the wig store and get you a wig. I bet you'll still look as sex-o-matic as before."

"You're probably right," Ron agreed. "Anyways, I've still got my chiseled body."

So they all climbed under the invisibility cloak and we off. They stopped at the wig store where Ron purchased a stunning straight black wig. They also bought some anti-frizz serum ("YOU could use some of this Hermione!") and then headed off to Toadpimple's...

"You got ID," said the big wizard bouncer at the door of Toadpimple's.

Hermione and Harry froze. ID! Why hadn't they thought of it before?

"I-ID?" said Hermione nervously.

"Of course we have ID!" exclaimed Ron, pulling three cards out of his pocket.

The bouncer took the cards, inspected them for a moment. "Aiight," he finally said, handing the cards back to Ron. "Jemimah, Fredrico, and Fauntleroy. You can go in."

"Thank you," Ron said.

"By the way," the bouncer, "nice wig!"

So they walked in and seated themselves close to the stage.

"Aren't you glad a made these fake ID cards?" Ron smiled.

"Yes, very glad. But, Jemimah?" Hermione said. "Why Jemimah?"

"Oh," laughed Ron. "You're not Jemimah. You're Fredrico. Harry's Jemimah. I," he said with a flourish, "am Fauntleroy."

"Fauntleroy?"

"Classy, eh?"

Hermione nodded, and then a loud voice came on the loud speakers.

"Is everybody ready for our Tuesday night special?" said the voice.

The crowd cheered.

"Harry!" whispered Hermione sharply. "You got the camera?"

"No, Ron has it," he replied.

Hermione turned to Ron in his straight black wig. "Ron," she said. "You got the camera ready?"

Ron said nothing.

"Ron?"

Still nothing.

"RON!"

"There is nobody here by that name," he said in a pompous sort of way.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Fauntleroy," she said. "Do you got the camera ready?"

"Why yes, Jemimah," he said. "I DO have the camera ready."

"Hey you!" said a tough sounding man, grabbing Ron's arm. "Get back stage! The show's about to start."

Ron turned around and found himself face to face with a man who was apparently the owner of Toadpimple's. His name tag read Mr. Pokey.

"What? Me?" Ron started pulling his wig off. "No, I'm not—."

"Damn, I think you're the prettiest 'woman' here tonight!" Mr. Pokey said.

"Pretty?" Ron said, flipping his hair. "You're too kind."

"What did you say your name was again?" Mr. Pokey asked.

"My name," Ron said, back to his cocky self. "Is Fauntleroy. These two here," he pointed to Harry and Hermione, "are doing a documentary on my life. It's called 'Fauntleroy: The Classiest WO-man In The Bussiness of Sexy'."

"I mean your stage name," Mr. Pokey explained.

"Oh my stage name!" Ron laughed. "Silly me. My stage name is Trixie Laroo."

"Ah, Trixie. Well come back stage. I'd be delighted to hear some more about this documentary," Mr. Pokey replied. "Let's get you backstage. You can tell me all about it while you get into costume."

"Alright!" Ron exclaimed and then started walking off.

"Wait!" Hermione called after him.

"Ah!" he said and tossed the camera to Harry. "Jemimah! Man the camera!"

And then he was gone.

Suddenly lights flashed across the stage and the voice came on again. "Is everybody ready?!"

The crowed cheered (and so did Harry... I'd always wondered about him...) and then out walked a tall "woman" with a curly red wig. "She" was wearing a sparkly blue outfit (ok, so it was more of a loincloth) and had on bright blue eye shadow.

"PLEASE GIVE A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR MAUREEN BOOBAVITCH!!"

The crowd went wild and Maureen started dancing seductively on the stage. Harry and Hermione sat through performances by Sassy Kitten, Sparkle, Pinky, and Hot Mama. Then a "woman" with a blonde curly wig walked onto stage. The voice announced "her" as Professor Sexy. Hermione and Harry, however knew the true identity of this pink sequin clad man. Professor Snape.

He danced all across the stage and boy was it disgusting!! Harry, of course, got it all on tape. This was PRICELESS. So he danced around a while and then went back stage. Then the man announced the next performer.

"NOW PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR TRIXIE LAROO!"

And out came Ron. And boy did he look hot!! But then something happened. Ron's manliness kind of started to disappear. The hair on his legs started ungrowing and the hair on his head (though you couldn't tell from under the wig) started regrowing. And he started shrinking...

THEY WERE GROWING YOUNGER!!

"Hey!" somebody yelled. "There are some minors here!"

"Fauntleroy!!" Hermione exclaimed. "To the pooper!"

"I HEAR YOU FREDRICO!!" Ron called.

And they all shot through the place towards the girls bathroom.

Once in the bathroom Hermione did a nifty little charm that locked the door.

"WHOA!!" Ron exclaimed. "The rumors are true!! You guys DO have couches in here!"

"I know, but you can't tell anyone. It's a big secret." Hermione said.

"Why's it such a secret?" Harry asked.

"Do you know what would happen if all the boys knew there were couches in our bathrooms?!"

"No..." Harry replied.

"IT WOULD BE A DISASTER!!" she exclaimed. "They'd demand couches for THEIR bathrooms!! It just can't happen."

"Ok."

"Now," Hermione said, "we need to figure out a way to get out of here."

"Right," said Ron. "But first, can we get a few cross dressing Ron shots??"

Harry nodded. "Definitely."


End file.
